The Electric

There has been some discussions about blogs reviling too much personal information.

A good example has been the sparring between Chris Pirillo and Ponzi while the two of them are on vacation in Hawaii’. Granted their on Maui which drove Jean and I to snip at each other due to the insane amount of effort it takes to move around on that island. For me, when I think about going back to Hawaii’ it comes down to three places that call out to me Windward coast of Oahu, First Christian Church of Honolulu and Pescatore in downtown Hilo on Big Island. But I digress.

Twice I have let too much personal information out on a blog and had it bit me in the butt. Now was what I posted meant to do damage or hurt folks? Nope.

It was written and posted for me by me in an unfiltered format without thinking how it would be taken by someone else. Notice that I’m not doing my usual apology which is an interesting development for me since in the past I would all but take other’s views above my own. Plus I tend to hold too many things in rather than get them out. So that’s why I post my rantings here. Even if I’m the only person to read them, I can at least look at them and try to find just where the feeling that produced the post came from. Plus it helps me remember where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.

Plus there have been times that I’ve gotten to know someone much better because I mentioned something on my blog that started us talking about other things we had in common.

Man, it’s been a crazy 6 weeks between trying to get the computer squared with Dell, the office rebuilt at home, waiting for the new rig to arrive plus finishing my business writing class.

You’d think I’d catch a bit of a break but the answering machine had a message that caused me to about flip.

It was my brother-in-law, the one I haven’t talked to since April 1, 2003 when he all but gutted me over the phone over a family dispute over money. The details of said dispute I won’t rehash.

Since that call, I’ve pretty much taken a ‘never want to see him again’ stance. Fear is part of it. The fear of getting drilled again since he knows what buttons to push on me (he lives with my Mom after all) mixed with the fear of not standing up for myself.

Yet here is the message. I couldn’t even play all of it. I paused it and waited for Jean to come home. My brother-in-law was asking if we could maybe get together, have dinner to try and mend fences.

First thing that hit my mind was “what the rub”? I know he’s a Decon now, maybe God’s hand is in this? Or is it what my gut is telling me, that there is an angle in play. A reach out because something is coming and my family wants to bring me back into their corner. I feel I’ve got to check my credit report just to be on the safe side.

The worse part of this is that I just wanted to be done with it all. I walked away for a reason. My brother-in-law wanted to be the man, well, be the frigging man. I don’t care. Just leave me alone. My roll as first born and family enforcer I willingly quit because I found it was the thing killing me.

So what to do? Jean’s take is to set the ground rules. - Sister and brother-in-law only - no issues between my Mom and myself on the table

If they want to talk under those connditions, then we might have something…

Why does anything envolving my family feels like a rejected Mafia subploit?

There are times when I wonder if I’m the only person who suffers from a professional schizophrenia.

A have a voice in my head that tells me that I can do my job and do it well. That what I’m doing is worthwhile and valued. It’s the voice that asks “Why not me?” when I start to think about maybe being a product manager or a team lead.

Then there is the other voice that is ready with a laundry list of reasons why I’m just a total screw-up who is one step away from unemployment. Unfortunately this voice is louder than the other, never misses a mistake and has been hyper tuned after years in QA.

Today was one of those days when both voices were going at it. A note of praise for a tech briefing is met with scorn for I felt it should have been done sooner and without so many re-writes. Live Meeting scheduling mishaps with the Outlook plug in and my overview of the web site redesign compounds the feeling that I’m a hack.

Needless to say, working on better self talk is high on my to do list

1. My first memory of my parent’s praising me was after I finished an adult size tostada at a Mexican restaurant. I must have been 4 or 5 at the time. Not saying that they didn’t praise me before this. Just that this is the first clear memory that I have.

This might be the reason I overeat. Why feeling full, make that stuffed, is so tightly linked with feelings of being both loved and accepted.

1. I’ve got to stop getting so worked up about stupid stuff like sports when it trips my issues. ‘Nuff said on that for tonight